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All Growns Up Comedy, 00:06:59
Logline: A satire of melodramatic soap operas, featuring all children in adults' roles. Director: Anton Wannenberg Writer: Joshua A. Cohen Producers: Joshua A. Cohen, Anton Wannenberg
Produced in association with Mindsgate Media for YouTube's Project:Direct 2007
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FADE IN:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
ZEKE (6, adorable) sits excitedly in a chair that is too big for him. He looks to the door, but the kids who walk in aren't who he's waiting for. He swings his legs, antsy.
ASHLEY (5, cute) walks in. Zeke sees her and smiles. She walks over to him.
ASHLEY You must be Zeke.
ZEKE That I am. And that would make you Ashley.
ASHLEY Wow. You're a freakin' genius.
Zeke was about to sit down, but stops himself.
ZEKE Excuse me?
ASHLEY Never mind. What are you buying me?
ZEKE Are you being serious?
ASHLEY I always expect the man to pay, especially on the first date.
ZEKE I thought casual coffee wasn't really a date.
She gets up.
ASHLEY I'm sorry, Zeke. You seem like a nice guy, but I'm really looking for a sugardaddy. (walking away) Good luck!
Zeke looks at the CAMERA, dumbfounded.
TITLE CARD: ALL GROWNS UP 2.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
BEGIN MONTAGE of coffee dates -- Zeke, in different clothes each time, meets different women at the coffee shop:
DATE 1:
BRENDA (5, cute) yammers on.
BRENDA Ohmygod -- this one time I went out with this guy, and he totally thought he was God's gift to women, and you know what he told me? He said he learned how to please a woman from a hooker! I mean, how gross is that? And you know the wildest part? His father paid for it! Like, how dysfunctional is that?
Zeke is speachless.
DATE 2:
DIANA (5, butch)
DIANA And I just can't believe that people even do that. It's like you're hooking up with that person just to hook up. I mean, they become a generalized, faceless person. It gets to the point that hooking up isn't necessarily about the person you're hooking up with -- it's just about you and your self-approval or your ego reassurance. Or it could be about fooling your body and mind into thinking they're getting what they want. Or it could just be about the release of lust over someone who isn't even involved.
Zeke shakes his head expressing "Why is this happening to me?"
DATE 3:
JILL and SIL (5, identical) sit in a two-person chair. They are connected at the hair and tilt their heads toward each other.
JILL We prefer "conjoined," not "Siamese." 3.
Zeke sits there was a "are you crazy?" look.
SIL The barber can't separate us without causing permanent damage.
Zeke buries his head in his hand.
DATE 4:
CHRISTINA (5, pious) sits across from him with a big cross on a necklace. They stare at each other.
CHRISTINA You should know that I never sleep with a man until we're married.
ZEKE No shi --
CHRISTINA -- And my last three husbands were all gentlemanly enough to respect me like that.
Zeke makes a fake gun with his hand and fake shoots himself in the head.
END MONTAGE
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Zeke moves a crate over to the sink so he can reach the faucet. He splashes some water on his face.
WALLY (6, chubby) pulls up a crate and takes up the next sink.
WALLY How goes it, Zeke?
ZEKE Ugh... don't ask.
WALLY Women trouble? Yeah, I know what that's like. I just started seein' this moped.
ZEKE Moped? 4.
WALLY Yeah, you know... the kind of girl that's fun to ride around on, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on her?
ZEKE (GROANS) I'm trying to be serious here. I mean I'm trying to meet "the one," and I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? I just want a woman who's smart and mature and independent and liberal and sexual and doesn't know how beautiful she is and --
The door swings open to reveal ERIN (5, beautiful, perky). She sees the boys and freezes.
ERIN Oh, dear... did I go in the wrong room again?
WALLY Nope. You belong here.
Zeke punches him on the shoulder.
WALLY (CONT'D) Ow!
ZEKE It's all yours. We were just leaving.
Zeke drags Wally out by the arm.
ERIN Thanks, pumpkin.
She blows him a kiss. Zeke, looking back over his shoulder at her, bumps in to the door frame with a THUD.
PETER (2, in diapers), sitting on baby changing stand, interjects:
PETER Oh, get a womb!
CUT TO:
BEGIN Zeke & Erin's dating MONTAGE: 5.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Their food is delivered. They are delighted.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
They toast drinks in martini glasses and take a sip.
EXT. PARK - DAY
They walk their dogs. Erin's is heavier than her.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dressed in onsey's, they collapse on to their pillows, exhausted.
END MONTAGE
After catching their breath, they look at each other and smile.
ERIN I'm so glad we waited.
ZEKE Me too, Erin. That was the shortest 8 months of my life.
They blow air-kisses at each other. Erin works up the courage to speak.
ERIN I have something to confess.
ZEKE What's that?
ERIN I was just using you for sex.
ZEKE What?
ERIN I'm sorry, Zeke.
ZEKE But... we just got started.
ERIN I know, and it was... great... I guess. But let's face it... your stuff doesn't work that well. 6.
Zeke is destroyed.
ERIN (CONT'D) (dreamy) And besides... Jean Paul is finally back from France, and I won't be lonely any more!
She hands him a photographs of JEAN PAUL (5, pompous).
ERIN (CONT'D) I'm off to pick him up from the airport. Bye!
She runs out. Zeke is left looking at the picture.
ZEKE (sarcastic) Jean Paul?
DIP TO BLACK
EXT. LONELY STREET - NIGHT
Zeke walks alone, depressed. LARRY (8, big) steps out from behind a corner with a switchblade. Zeke just tosses him his wallet without breaking stride or even looking at him, then walks past. Larry shrugs and picks up the wallet.
DIP TO BLACK
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Zeke walks in to his bedroom, pouting. Erin is there waiting for him, crying.
ERIN He met a girl in Paris and fell in love!
She flings her arms around Zeke. He reluctantly hugs her back.
CUT TO:
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY
Erin and Zeke stand in front of the PASTOR (8, scholarly).
PASTOR I know pronounce you man and wife.
ERIN Yay! 7.
ZEKE (unenthusiastic) Yay.
She throws her arms around Zeke fiercely. He pats her back.
Christina, serving as maid of honor, dabs a tear from her eye. Wally, serving as best man, winks at her. She snears "as if."
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Erin storms in from the bathroom, interrupting Zeke reading a book in bed.
ERIN Do I look fat? When are we going to have kids? Am I your ideal woman? Why aren't you communicating with me? And after 5 years, why is it that you still can't put the toilet seat down? (sniffs, disgusted) And what did you eat?
Zeke rolls over.
ERIN (CONT'D) Don't you look away from me! We're having a conversation!
Zeke pulls a pillow over his head.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Erin sobs in to her coffee. Christina consoles her.
CHRISTINA Don't worry, honey. A lot of people get divorced. (beat) God, at least there weren't any kids.
Erin's sobs become a full-blown cry.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
CUT TO: 8.
WITH ERIN as she enters the room. Zeke and Wally are in bed in their onseys.
ZEKE Erin! What are you doing home?
Erin is shocked and disgusted.
ERIN How could you!?
ZEKE No, wait! This isn't what it looks like!
ERIN I demand an explanation for these shenanigans! What do you have to say?
ZEKE Um... it was an accident?
Erin turns on her heel and leaves.
Zeke looks to Wally for permission to go. Wally nods. Zeke jumps out of bed and races after her.
ZEKE (CONT'D) Erin! Wait! I can explain!
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY - MANY YEARS LATER
Zeke and Erin, grayed and feeble, hobble over to their chairs. Zeke wears a rainbow gay pride pin. He helps Erin in to her chair.
ERIN After all these years, you're still my best friend.
ZEKE Yeah...
He sits.
ZEKE (CONT'D) You are such a perfect person. It's just a shame you weren't born with a --
FADE OUT.
ROLL END CREDITS.
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In Production:
Completed:
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